


I Wanna Be Yours

by female_overlord_3



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angsty Derek, Chocolate pancakes!, Depression, Derek is sad, I'm sorry I don't know how to tag!, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Self-Harm, but still kinda sad, don't worry there will be fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:26:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4856264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/female_overlord_3/pseuds/female_overlord_3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Music is peaceful, sadly the mind is not. </p><p> </p><p>A sad fic for my lovely Angel who I told was getting a gift! Check Angel out her fic's are amazing. Yes I will always refer people to you because I can; deal with it!!!!<br/>All mistakes are mine!</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wanna Be Yours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Angelwithwingsoffire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwithwingsoffire/gifts).



> WARNING: Derek considers ending his life twice but ONLY considers and he also harms himself. Just to warn anyone with a trigger in case you missed it in the tags. Also I wasn't entirely sure what rating I should give this so it's Mature due to Derek considering ending his life and harming himself. Derek is also battling with the dark thoughts he carries, which are quite cruel, due to the crappy life he was given. Stiles is always the cure in my book though!
> 
> This being said: I OWN NOTHING; THE CHARACTERS, THE SONG, OR THE SHOW. I AM JUST USING THEM... crap that sounds wrong- oh well enjoy!

Derek is lying in bed as the song plays; it’s late probably around one in the morning. The song just popped up one day on Spotify which he still denies he enjoys. It’s all Stiles fault for signing him up for the month free trial then somehow pocketing Derek’s credit card so he has the unlimited version. It’s a nice quiet for once, the guilt and heaviness hasn’t come yet. Derek doesn’t try to think too much and just enjoy the pleasant mental quite as chords and lyrics fill the empty loft.

**I wanna be your vacuum cleaner**

**Breathing in your dust**

He starts to hum a bit now, this song has become somewhat of a favorite. The slow but heavy beat is relaxing and the melody is nice.

**I wanna be your Ford Cortina**

**I won't ever rust**

His eyes are closed, the darkness is starting to feel welcoming as he drifts into a barely there unconscious state.

**If you like your coffee hot**

**Let me be your coffee pot**

Even in this state Derek’s humming turns into a quiet singing, almost a rumble as they leave his mouth. The peace is nice, nothing trying to drag him down into the dark parts of his mind, the overwhelming guilt or heavy silence that makes him want to scream.

**You call the shots babe**

**I just wanna be yours**

_Is there someone like that_ he thinks  _someone the he would want or would someone ever want him?_

 _Yes._ A small voice whispers.

Derek pushes that voice away, he can’t have _that._

**Secrets that I have held in my heart**

**Are harder to hide than I thought**

Derek tries to go back to the peaceful quiet he had but his thoughts have finally caught up with him. _Your fault_ His mind snarls. _Always always your fault!_

**Maybe I just wanna be yours**

**I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours**

**Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours**

He finally gives up trying to get back what won’t happen for awhile now. _Goodbye quiet, goodbye peace, goodbye-_

 _Stop._ The small voice asks. It sounds warm but the underlying sadness it carries makes his hands clench. _Go away please just go away._ He begs. He doesn’t want something to comfort him; he doesn’t need or deserve it.

**Let me be your 'leccy meter and I'll never run out**

**And let me be the portable heater that you'll get cold without**

Derek stays on his bed but opens his eyes to stare lifelessly at the ceiling. Maybe if he just thinks about the ceiling, or stares at it for long enough he might get that quiet back. He stares and stares but the words and guilt keep on growing louder. _You don’t need it, you shouldn’t need it. Weak!_  

**I wanna be your setting lotion (I wanna be)**

**Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)**

He can feel the slight sensation of pain at his palms but it disappears almost instantly. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice anymore; the pain of his claws starting to dig into his palm and draw blood. It’s more of a relief now paired against the other painful experiences he’s had to go through.

**I'll be at least as deep**

**As the Pacific Ocean**

**I wanna be yours**

Would it finally feel good to just die already? One day just drive to the beach and swim out then let himself sink. It would be the most peaceful way to go unless he could just pass away in his sleep. As much as Derek prides himself for wanting to die doing the right thing, to fight for the good, he still wants it all to end. Maybe he won’t save me this time.

**Secrets that I have held in my heart**

**Are harder to hide than I thought**

The verse of “Secrets that I have held in my heart” stays heavily in both his mind and heart. What would leaving do to him? Would finally dying actually help everyone?  He’s not really someone to the pack, not anymore.

**Maybe I just wanna be yours**

**I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours**

_A monster. A used to be Alpha. A used to be horrible Alpha. You got them killed. You killed them. Unhelpful. Unneeded. A waste. Poor sad Derek the cause of everyone’s misery especially his own. No one wants you. Stay away from everyone. Untrustworthy. Ungrateful. Why do you get to live while they get to die!_

**Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours**

**Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours...**

The voice is right. Everyone’s voice is right. Kate’s, Paige’s, Laura’s, Erica’s, Boyd’s, Isaac’s, Scott’s, Allison’s, Lydia’s, all his dead family, Peter’s and even Stiles. Even Stiles.

**I wanna be your vacuum cleaner**

**Breathing in your dust**

“No, you’re wrong.” Derek sighs as that one voice tries to make him feel better, feel something other than guilt and pain. It’s always warm but also sad, mournful. Why can’t he just dwell in his misery in peace! “No one wants me no matter what I do. They’re all right.” Derek whispers. “Not even the one I want wants me. They hate me, don’t trust me; why would he want me? I’m nothing he needs.” He can feel his chest tighten at every word and his claws go deeper into his palm. Maybe if he just let’s himself bleed out he won’t have drive all the way to the beach.

**I wanna be your Ford Cortina**

**I won't ever rust**

“How do you know?” The voice is almost… happy for once, making Derek’s thoughts come to a halt. He frowns and realizes his eyes are closed. When he opens them Derek’s whole body freezes, all his muscles going tense. It’s his- his mind is just messing with him again he tries to supply but he can already feel his heart starting to pound too fast.

**I just wanna be yours**

**(Wanna be yours)**

Standing at the foot of his bed is- No if he says his name it might be real; this can’t be real. _He_ slowly walks to the right side of the bed. _He_ reaches for Derek’s right hands but the second their skin makes contact Derek yanks it away and sits up. He cradles the hand with his other and curls in on himself, trying to fight the building waves of panic and outright fear.

**I just wanna be yours**

**(Wanna be yours)**

_He_ leans over and gently pulls Derek’s hand to him. _He_ slowly pries each clawed finger from where it’s breaking the skin of Derek’s palm. Derek just stares at his face while _He_ lightly traces over the healed skin with his thumb. The thumb becomes smudged in blood and that makes Derek grab for the hand and stare at it as he tries to get the blood off. _He_ can’t have blood him, _he’s_ not supposed to have blood on him. The thoughts of _his_ blood being spilled, pouring out and leaving _him_ lifeless sends a spike of terror through Derek’s body. He can faintly here himself whispering no repeatedly until the thumb is cleaned of blood. Derek can feel himself panting as his whole body shakes. He brings the hand to his chest and tries to calm down.

**I just wanna be yours**

**(Wanna be yours)**

The last note of the song comes to an end and Derek has some gained some semblance of calm but doesn’t move; he doesn’t think he can. Then he can feel _him_ start to move so Derek pulls the hand closer to him. Derek screws his eyes tight and just focuses on the hand and nothing else, not who it belongs to, how real this is or how scared he is; just how the hand is warm and an anchor during his vulnerable state. Derek blocks everything out except for the hand he holds tightly to his chest until something warm starts to envelope him. He jerks at the action and opens his eyes to look into another’s before averting them. These eye’s he knows, the one’s he tries to ignore but pull him in and that sometimes he has dreams about.

He’s gonna make him talk now Derek thinks; they always try to make him talk. Derek waits but _He_ doesn’t say anything and it’s making Derek anxious. _He_ sighs and brings Derek into a tighter hold so that Derek’s head is on his chest then starts to hum. Derek can feel it reverberate through _his_ chest and it starts to lessen the anxiety and fear that was starting to snowball into full on panic. As the anxiety and fear dissipate Derek’s eyes begin to droop, the hand gently combing through his hair isn’t helping. Right before Derek succumbs to sleep his mind picks up on what song Stiles is singing. It makes him smile into _his_ chest.

   

When Derek wakes up he’s a bit disoriented because for one he’s not alone and two he feels like he actually slept. Things from last night slowly come back in increments but Derek doesn’t feel as shocked or panicked, just kind of lost again. He looks to his right and Stiles is still asleep next to him with their hands now laced together on his chest. Unconsciously Derek starts to lightly rub his thumb against Stiles hand and just watches him sleep. Derek can see the bags under his eyes, how he looks a little thin and how there’s a slight frown still present as he sleeps. He moves his free hand so that just the tips of his fingers are gently touching Stiles temple as he takes some of his pain. His hand is at an awkward angle but seeing Stiles body relax is worth it. He does this for a good minute before he pulls his hand away. Stiles gives a little twitch before his eyes flutter open. Their eyes meet but Stiles has to squint at him, the morning light hitting his eyes.

“I didn’t know you listened to Arctic Monkeys, why didn’t I know that you listened to Arctic Monkeys?” Stiles voice is a bit rough from sleep but still accusing. Derek just blinks at him. He wants to say ‘your fault’ or ‘why do you want to know’ but he just blurts out “Spotify.” It takes Stiles a second to figure out what Derek means before his face is bright with a smile. “You still have it? I thought you might have deleted it or something.” Derek just nods and tries to take in as much of Stiles smiling face as he can before Stiles is pulling away. Derek’s hand tightens around the one still laced with Stiles trying to keep him close. Stiles looks at their hands with reverence before squeezing his. Derek squeezes back. “Just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Derek hesitantly lets go of his hand then watches him cross the room and disappear into the bathroom.

He sits up in bed and drops his hands into his lap. When Stiles comes back out the smell of anxiety and nerves is surrounding him. He stands awkwardly instead of moving back onto the bed. Derek frowns and reaches for him. He grabs his hand first then pulls him so that they’re in a similar position before Stiles got up. Stiles let’s Derek maneuver them resulting in Derek holding onto Stiles waist with his head buried in Stiles chest while Stiles has his right arm curled over his shoulder as his hand combs through his hair and his left hand is pressed to Derek’s chest. They stay like that for a good three hours before both their stomachs groan for food. Stiles gives a sad sigh before asking “How do you feel about pancakes? My mom taught me how to make the best chocolate chip ones!” Derek looks up from Stiles chest and nods. “My dad taught me how to make a mean omelet and Laura demanded I learn to bake. I used to threaten her with no muffins.” Stiles grins down at him and starts dragging him out of bed.

Derek likes this, how nice it is. He hopes there could be more mornings like this with Stiles. “You do realize that this is going to become a daily thing right. Now you’re never getting rid of me.” Derek would be shocked but this is Stiles and Stiles has always been able to read him. Maybe now he wouldn’t have to be alone. Stiles starts getting a batter ready for the pancakes and it’s just so domestic and normal Derek doesn’t know what to do for a second. Stiles is humming **I Wanna Be Yours** as he stirs the batter when arms circle him. “Thank you.” Derek has his face pressed between Stiles shoulder blades and his voice is slightly muffled but Stiles can hear it clear as a bell. Stiles smiles and continues stirring the batter. “Maybe I just I wanna be yours.” he sings and though this won’t fix everything it’s a start.


End file.
